THE TRUTH

you know the saying the truth will set u free well lets hope its true I really didn't want to get into the whole what where and why of my anxiety but that's because i am afraid of just the word let alone talk about it. To me it like the monster in the closet and if u unlock the door it will come out and get u. so im gona unlatch the first lock. It all started when i was 8 or so and i learned about death i mean really understood the whole thing.i would stay up all night and worry and worry i would worry so much i would get sick. that led to problem number 2 I was getting sick  a lot and then i started worrying about getting sick and thought well if i don't eat i want get sick yep that's right i had an eating disorder and not because i thought i was fat but because i was afraid of getting sick which makes no sence but as u will learn anxiety make no sence. Well because i wasn't eating I got worse because not eating and being hydrated make anxiety worse but i didn't no that back then i was young by now i was about 13 14 i never told my parents because they would have made me eat so this went on until i was 17 that's when i met carl my husband well because i couldnt hide from him he saw that i wasn't eating i mean when u go on a date to a resterant u cant say im not hungy  then it happened i had a full panic attack right in front of him im surprised he didnt call 911 after i had to tell him what just happened and so he made me eat and eat i think he would say did u eat today before he would say hi any way it helped but i wasn't cured he helped me through a lot of attacks. now here is the part i cant figure out at 17 i got pregnant with ana and like over night they stopped i don't now if my body new to take care of the baby or my hormones straighting out but they were gone and they stayed gone for 8 years 2012 was one hell of a year first we started getting tornados in pa we never get tornados so i started to become afraid of the weather but still doing ok i quite smoking and i quite coffee and redbull i lived on caffine and just stopped just like that and the tornado warning still came and i had no cigerate to calm me then sandy hit then the bomb shell my youngest had to get her teeth pulled and at her age they had to give the sleeping gas stuff i has so scared that night i had a panic attack the first one in 8 years but being an adult i new of heart attacks and thought the worst i wasn't thinking panic attack no i don't get those anymore this has to be something else something bad which made me panic more the thing most people with panic disorder is that they panic about another panic attack. so i started to look for things that wound make me panic and not do them i went to the hospital  a lot thinking something was wrong but they never found anything and that's because its all in my head  it has been a year now and i have had some kind of panic or anxiety everyday it is the most scariest thing ever its not scared like watching a scary movie or going in a  haunted house scary it is like so scared u cant move cant scream cant think scary and the things im scared of are a joke im afraid of peanut butter because i found out u can become allergic to things later in life and peanut butter give me acid and my brain say no u must be allergic  DANGER DANGER im afraid of my heart beat when u lay in bed at night and ur still and its quiet u can feel ur heart beat no big deal well to me is it . I think is it suppose to beat like that what if it stops ok why is it beating fast is something wrong NO u idiot ur freaking urself out so it beating fast but that happens like everynight  im afraid of driving and having a panic attack and being able to get home im also afraid of smells i use to love scented candle and ferbreez now i think they are choking me and i have to run outside for fresh air and i don't like being places where i cant leave when i want .Wow this is a really long post sorry about that but hey if ur ready this then i guess it was ok i really need to face this and to have more people understand what this is so many people have this and they feel so alone or they are not sure what is going on or u might have a child who is going thro this