I hate that I have this stupid thing making everything hard. life is hard enough as is why add this to it. I was doing ok no I was doing good and bam it comes back it always happens more at the end of the month ( u get that right) I was at my nieces b-day on Saturday and I was having a good time but I felt it all day I new it was coming and I kept fighting it and by the end of the night I caused one Im saying that I caused on and not that I had one because I did it nothen happened that would make me panic I just started thinking and my brain made it happen so that's why I caused it and yes everyone was there and everyone was looking at my and asking whats wrong I hate that but I would do the same thing if I saw someone going thro one I mean I don't have a flashing sign on my head saying its just a panic attack im ok go about ur business. It wasn't the first one iv'e had at my moms but because we were all about to sing happy b-day the kitchen was full of people and the singing was loud and I felt like I had to get out of there so it was more noticeable most of the time u don't even know im having one because I go away to another room or something but I was stuck I couldn't just leave they would have thought I was being rude. I did make it out ok once we sang I went outside with carl and we walked for a little bit. I got my self calmed down and back to normal but the night was over for me I had to go home I felt like they were all looking at me and talking about me and I just wanted to go home the thing is there my family so i felt bad that all i wanted to do was run home but i did and once i left the driveway i felt better right away. That sucks at least it was the end of the night and i didn't walk out before the cake and presents but if it had happened earlier i would have left just the same I have to get over this I know it is possible because i was fine for 8 years i just don't now how im getting better i feel it im stronger now i just have to keep going and facing my fears and showing myself that its all in my head im the one causing this and only i can stop them O and back to the whole i new it was coming thing it really is weird i will feel on edge all day before i have one i know its because im thinking about it im worring about having one but im able to push it off but then something happens and i can't push it away anymore it is so weird i haven't figure that one yet but ya so that is the update on my life if u have a similar problem i would love to here about it ( so i don't feel so alone ) or have any questions just write them in the comment box
KEEP STRONG
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